Co-Regulation: What It Is, Why It Matters, and How to Practice It
When someone is overwhelmed, anxious, or emotionally dysregulated, it can feel hard to know how best to help. Co-regulation is a powerful way of offering support in those moments—not by taking over, but by helping another person manage their heightened emotions or stress until they can regain more internal balance.
Here’s an in-depth look at co-regulation: definitions from research, why it helps, and how to do it effectively with someone you are supporting.
What is Co-Regulation?
Co-regulation is a relational process through which one person helps another to regulate emotions or physiological stress by offering connection, attunement, and calm. It’s not just about “calming someone down” in one moment—it’s about creating a supportive interaction that helps someone develop capacity over time. Some key aspects:
It’s dynamic and reciprocal: both people’s states matter and shift.
It involves being attuned to the person’s emotional and physical cues (e.g. distress, fatigue, agitation) and responding in ways that help them return to a regulated state. (Co-Regulation From Birth Through Young Adulthood: A Practice Brief)
The person offering support must also regulate themselves—how you’re present matters as much as what you do. (Co-regulation: Helping Children and Teens Navigate Big Emotions)
Over time, co-regulation helps build self-regulation: the ability of the supported person to manage their own emotional/physiological states more effectively in the future. (Complex Trauma Resources)
Why Co-Regulation Matters
There are several reasons why co-regulation is valuable, especially in caregiving, mentoring, therapeutic, or educational relationships.
Supports emotional safety and trust. Knowing someone will be responsive when you’re distressed helps you feel seen, heard, and secure. (Co-Regulation From Birth Through Young Adulthood: A Practice Brief)
Helps reduce immediate distress. In moments of overwhelm, a regulated presence nearby—whether in voice, touch, tone, environment—can help calm nervous system responses. (Education Scotland - Co-regulation)
Builds self-regulation skills over time. As someone experiences being supported, they can internalize those regulating strategies. Over many interactions, that translates into more resilience, better stress management, better emotional literacy. (Co-Regulation From Birth Through Young Adulthood: A Practice Brief)
Addresses developmental and trauma-related challenges. For children, youth, or adults who have experienced adversity, inconsistency, or trauma, co-regulation is often essential because self-regulation capacity may be underdeveloped or easily overwhelmed. (Complex Trauma Resources)
How to Co-Regulate: Practical Strategies
Putting co-regulation into practice takes awareness, intention, and often practice. Here are steps and strategies to use when you are in a support role, whether as a caregiver, coach, teacher, friend or professional.
Before the Moment of Distress
Build a trusting, safe relationship: Regular positive interactions build credibility for when more stressful moments arise. Practicing being present, listening without judgment, being responsive. (Co-Regulation From Birth Through Young Adulthood: A Practice Brief)
Understand the person’s cues: Know what signs of distress look like for them—physiological (fast breathing, tense muscles), emotional (anger, shut-down), behavioural (fidgeting, escape). This helps you detect early. (Co-Regulation From Birth Through Young Adulthood: A Practice Brief)
Prepare strategies in calm times: What helps them feel safe or calm? What soothing tools or environmental modifications work (e.g. quiet space, warm drink, a walk, music)? Planning ahead means you can respond more skillfully.(Co-regulation in relationships - Realistic Strategies for Adults)
In Moments of Distress
Regulate yourself first
If you are upset, defensive, or activated, it’s harder to offer calm. Take a breath, ground yourself, normalize what you’re feeling so you can be present. (Co-regulation: Helping Children and Teens Navigate Big Emotions)Offer connection and presence
Be physically or emotionally present: a calm voice, gentle touch if appropriate, eye contact, warmth. Sometimes just being with someone in their distress is powerful. (Co-regulation: Tools)Validate their experience
Let them know you see what they’re going through, that their feelings make sense. Avoid dismissing or minimizing. (“I can see this is overwhelming” vs “Don’t worry about it.”) (Co-regulation: Helping Children and Teens Navigate Big Emotions)Use regulation tools together
Some possibilities:Shared breathing or settling techniques.
Changing the environment: dimming lights, reducing noise.
Grounding: guided senses (what do you see/hear/touch right now), or physical grounding (feet on floor, hands feeling something cool or warm).
Sensory tools or props the person trusts (blanket, fidget, weighted object, etc.). (Co-Regulation From Birth Through Young Adulthood: A Practice Brief)
Support without taking over
The goal is for the person to move toward self-regulation, not dependency. So offer scaffolding (guidance, modeling), but allow them to lead where possible and make choices. (Co-Regulation From Birth Through Young Adulthood: A Practice Brief)
After the Distress
Reflect and process
Once things calm, check in: What felt helpful? What didn’t? This helps both of you learn, and build flexibility in future moments.Reaffirm safety and relationship
Reinforce that you were there for them, that their feelings are valid, that it’s okay to have needed support. This builds trust and internal safety.Practice regulation skills separately
Encourage and coach smaller self-regulation skills in non-crisis moments (e.g. noticing their emotions, small breathing exercises, checking in with body sensations) so that over time they have more tools. (Co-Regulation From Birth Through Young Adulthood: A Practice Brief)
Things to Watch Out For
Be aware of your own emotional capacity
If you’re overwhelmed too often, you can’t be an effective co-regulator. Self-care or support for you is important.Avoid invalidation or rushing to fix
Trying to “solve” someone’s emotion too fast or telling them they “shouldn’t feel that way” can break trust.Not all techniques work for everyone
What is soothing for one person may be overstimulating or uncomfortable for another. Be flexible and responsive.Balance
There is a difference between healthy co-regulation and unhealthy dependency. Over-reliance may prevent growth of self-regulation.
Co-Regulation Across Contexts & Ages
Co-regulation looks somewhat different depending on age, developmental level, trauma history, the relationship (caregiver, friend, therapist), and the setting (home, school, clinic). For example:
With young children, more physical presence and soothing (touch, cradle, voice) is needed, and co-regulation happens more often.
With teens or adults, more verbal validation, shared practices, and collaborative regulation strategies are possible.
With individuals affected by trauma or stress, particular attention to safety, building trust, and pacing is crucial.(Complex Trauma Resources)
In Summary
Co-regulation is a relational, live process. It isn’t about always being calm or perfect—it’s about being present, attuned, responsive, and steady enough to help someone move from overwhelm toward calm. Over time, this kind of support builds trust, supports healing, and fosters self-regulation.
If you’re in a supporting role—parent, caregiver, mentor, therapist or friend—practicing co-regulation can transform not just how you help someone in a moment, but how they learn to help themselves in many future moments.