The “Green-Yellow-Red" Relationship Check

A practical approach that encourages better, healthier relationship decision-making. Healthy relationships aren't necessarily obvious or intuitive; it takes practice to develop.

This tool helps individuals (and teams) move beyond rules and into real-time awareness, consent, and choice.

GREEN: Safe, Consensual, and Respected

How it feels:

• Comfortable, calm, relaxed, or happily enthusiastic

• Free to be yourself

• Both your "yes" and "no" are respected

How it looks:

• Obtaining consent (i.e., "May I give you a hug?")

• Mutually interested in one another (i.e., want to spend time together)

• Clear and kind communication

• Respect for boundaries

Teaching/Discussion Questions:

• What makes you feel comfortable and safe in this relationship?

• How do you know that they respect you?

Skill Focus:

Safety awareness, expressing preferences, and consent practice

YELLOW: Pause, Check-In, Get Curious

How it feels:

• Unsure, confused, pressured, or rushed

• A sense that something doesn’t seem right, even if you’re not sure why

• Contradictory information

How it looks:

• One person wanting more than the other

• Persistent texts/calls with no response

• Testing limits or pushing boundaries “just a little”

• Progressing too fast, whether emotionally or physically

Teaching/Discussion Questions:

• Let’s stop and take note of what your body is communicating.

• Do you feel you have a real choice in this situation?

• What would help you feel more comfortable?

Skill Focus:

Interoception (body awareness), slowing down, seeking assistance, and re-establishing boundaries

RED: Dangerous, Nonconsensual, or Damaging

How it feels:

• Scared, intimidated, overwhelmed, or shut down

• Feeling that you cannot say no or that your "no" doesn't matter

• Frozen, confused, or “stuck.”

How it looks:

• Not respecting boundaries, such as ignore when you saying no

• Using guilt, manipulation, or threats

• An unequal power dynamic (authority, coercion)

• Being told to keep secrets and not tell others what is happening

• Any form of abuse or exploitation (Sexual, physical, verbal, or emotional)

Direct statements to support:

• Let’s get to a safer space together.

• You don’t have to stay in this situation.

• I’m here with you, we can leave.

Teaching/Discussion Questions:

• What was your body feeling during this event?

• When did things begin to not feel okay or safe?

• What would you want to see happen differently?

• How can we make you feel more secure the next time?

Skill Focus:

Safety planning, seeking help, recognizing coercion, and rights awareness

Using This Resource in Real-Life Scenarios

1. Teach when calm (not during crisis)

Use real-life experiences or pretend play:

• What zone would this experience fall under? Green, Yellow, or Red?

• "Would something turn yellow to green?"

2. Use in the Moment

During any experience:

• "How are you feeling right now: Green, Yellow, or Red?"

• "How can we make this situation safer for you?"

3. Connect it with Body awareness skills

Link feelings with bodily reactions

• Tense Chest = may fall under yellow zone

• Relaxed Body = most likely to be green zone

• Frozen/Shut Down = could be a red zone

4. Normalize All Zones

• Green = safe

• Yellow = learning and awareness (not “bad”)

• Red = needs support, not punishment

Relationships can move between green, yellow, and red, and that’s important to notice.

Important Reminder for Teams

This tool is not about controlling relationships. It is about developing the capacity to make decisions safely and independently.

Individuals with IDD have a right to:

•  Relationships 

•  Sexual expression 

•  To make mistakes and learn from them

What we do is:

• Support and build awareness

• Encourage safety

• Protect and preserve dignity 

• Promote choice and dignity of risk
  

Support Team Self Check-In

• Am I supporting autonomy, or controlling outcomes?

• Am I reacting, or responding intentionally?

• Am I helping build skills, or just stopping behavior?